jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
You Might Also Like
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Those are good neighbors.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
no one likes gloating
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.