There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*