my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You Might Also Like
Erm…
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
no such thing as a dumb question
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.