You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?