[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren鈥檛 stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Cutest fight ever.. 馃槉
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild