It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
gm
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me :
All Day At Night