The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Inside you there are two wolves
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college