I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.