Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.