“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”