Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.