I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart