Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids