*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”