Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
bought wrong eggs
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND