The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?