My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body