Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶