“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.