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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
HERE’S MARKY
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.