My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks