“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?