My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
there’s probably a fee though
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.