cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
wish me luck lads
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.