Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
best review i’ve ever seen
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.