If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Oh we’ve met.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.