[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”