FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later