My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions