When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Meowchelangelo
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again