“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*