Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Check your privilege
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.