Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.