when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
There are usually two types of merchants.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I gave up going to work for lent.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
The asteroid..
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)