‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
what day is it?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned