Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Cinematography is my passion
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*