*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.