Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir