Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“i am a sweet baby”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie