DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
what are they serving at kfc then???
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.