My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf