Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree