*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
This made me smile…
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty