[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
You Might Also Like
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses