I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.