Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Well, that should do it
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<