girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
drew a comic about my origin story
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
That’s classic.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.