Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
twitter users today:
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Autocarrot sucks!
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
incredible text to wake up to
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.