*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Ok but actually
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”