Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No